:: 2001-09-12 :: 8:52 p.m. ::
:: Nightmare ::

I barely slept last night. I couldn't make myself think of nice things before falling to sleep. I had nightmares. I woke up and sat in the dark tears falling down my cheeks. I just couldn't get the images out of my mind.

In the morning I had to put on a happy face. The children didn't know what had happened. Chris had come to watch the news with us, but I don't think he realised that it was true. That there were people dying. Muriel took him away as soon as she noticed he was there.

I had to be friendly. I had to go on with editing the film, filming the missing scenes. I had to be like nothing had happened. I felt so useless. I focused all my attention to the editing. I wanted to forget. Just for few minutes. I couldn't. It felt so sick to make the ganster film. It felt sick to put the shooting sound effects in it. It felt sick to see children making that kind of film.

Glad lives in Brooklyn. He works for Morgan & Stanley. 50 floors of those that collapsed were occupied by Morgan & Stanley.

He hurt me. I will never forget how he hurt me, but I have cried for him as well as all the others. If he was there. I don't know.

I have been shaking since I saw the news yesterday. I'm so scared. So shocked. So sad. I feel so small, so vulnerable. I have imagined what it would've been like to be there. And I know that I can never, not even in my worst nightmares, imagine the horror it was. And continues to be.

It was Ionut's birthday yesterday. I wanted to wish him Happy Birthday, but somehow it felt inappropriate. Inappropriate to use the word happy on a day of such tragedy.

At lunch break I checked the CNN website for more news. I read about the people calling to their family from the buidings and from the planes.

Mum, if we won't ever see again I just want you to know I love you...

What it is like to say those words? What it is like to hear them and then see the plane crash to the building over and over again in the news, knowing that your son was in that plane. Your son whose voice you just heard the last time.

I can't stop crying.