adieu mes amis

:: 2002-03-07 :: 4:55 p.m. ::
:: Crisis ::

I just got off the phone with my beloved mother. For twenty minutes she went on and on how her sister is so rude towards other people, does not realise it herself and refuses to sell my grandparents house to the neighbours because they are the neighbours.

I tried couple of times to get a word across but in vain. She just kept on ranting how she had felt like crying the whole day and how the neighbours surely won't make other offers now that these ones were so rudely turned down. I settled to mumbling little something that might have resembled a yes or a curse.

When mum finally stopped to breethe in I figured it was my chance to try to talk about MY problems and MY issues which I honestly feel are not any smaller than hers as they DO concern my whole future. But before I could finish the sentence that began Yesterday I... she cut me off and started again about the coldness of her sister and how she doesn't understand that she doesn't own the whole house but only half of it and can't decide about things like selling or not selling the house on her own.

I tried about three times more to change the subject, to ask her advice and to tell how I have it here, but every single time she acted like she didn't hear a word I said, just kept on talking about her own things. Then when she finally had apparently ranted enough she told me that the food was now ready and she'd have to go to eat before it gets cold and that afterwards she would go to the nearest army base to watch Harry Potter with my dad.

It is a BIG thing to get my dad to agree to go to movies especially to see something so off his normal sphere of interests as Harry Potter. It is another thing that my parents are actually going to see a movie together. They have done that the last time since before I was born. So something good in the bad - apparently me being away has mended their relationship in some ways. I don't know if they've began to sleep in the same bed again, but at least they are going to see Harry Potter together. That's a start of some kind I suppose.

I still feel however that I was treated in a very unfair way from my mothers part. I never call her to Finland just to complain how lonely I am or how unfair Adrien was or how the other volunteers don't like me or I feel like I don't fit in. I always ask how everything is at home. I always ask if things are okay. I always listen to her complaints about her work and how she is so stressed. I listen to her complaints about her sister and she can't for god's sake just shut up for five minutes and listen what I have to say. It's not like we get to talk so damn often that I wouldn't have anything new to say.

I'm having a sort of crisis situation here which includes me feeling like I'm going out of my mind and she refuses to listen to me. I'm her ONLY child. The least she could do for me now that I live ALONE in a huge empty building is to listen to my worries.

I need someone to hold me now. I need someone to tell me I'm right. I need someone to listen to what I feel. I need someone to understand.

Why is it that right this moment everyone I could possibly turn to are so far away?

PS. If you don't know me or the people I write about in real life, feel free to send me an email and ask for the URL of the other diary where I mostly pour my heart out. Updates here will become very infrequent.

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The image is from Webshots


2003-02-13 - test
2002-05-07 - New home :)
2002-03-15 - Random thoughts
2002-03-07 - Phone calls
2002-03-07 - Crisis

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